My mother is the queen of Oooh Shiny land. All of you out there who thought you had a short attention span, my mother would not even be able to pay attention long enough to tell you that hers was shorter.
Mum: Hey look, they put in a new Hobby Lobby!
She leans over steering wheel to see new Hobby Lobby store, which, you know, is a big bland windowless building just like every other big bland windowless building in the strip mall.
Mum: I wonder if it has a sale!
She continues to drive while leaning over steering wheel to look at new Hobby Lobby store, on the front of which an enormous GRAND OPENING SALE sign is hung.
Mum: Maybe they sell --
She collides with the curb.
We went printer shopping today and never actually looked at printers because she was distracted by an ottoman. The footstool, not the empire, though I'm sure that would have distracted her too. We now own a new ottoman. It's blue, and has a pocket. I don't know why.
Commentary post-hack: We still have it. Actually she liked it so much she went back and bought three more.
Although I will say that she nearly met her match today. She was examining said ottoman, which is square and bean-bag-y, and this random woman who appeared normal and seemed to actually be shopping and not on a day pass from the local mental institution came up to her and stood closer to her than some people I've had sex with have stood to me. She then proceeded to tell her that on HGTV last night she saw how they make those by covering milk crates in batting and then wrapping them in fabric covers. It was all rather explicitly WTF.
I was just on the verge of running this woman off because Hey, Stop Talking Randomly To My Mother Whom You Don't Know, when she wandered off on her own to tell someone else how she heard that wireless telephones can electrocute you.
The worst part is, my brother, having inherited the KERAZY genes from my mum, will do this to other people. And for some reason other people do not fear that he is a serial killer; they befriend him and give him pancakes. (True story. A waitress once took a liking to him while we were waiting for a table at a breakfast joint, and brought him gratuitous pancakes.)
This is how I spend my holidays, saving my mother from aimlessly wandering into telephone poles and watching my brother Make Friends With Strangers. And people wonder why I desire hermitude.
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