The Brave Superhero's List

We were watching the X-Men cartoon today (Bernard is obsessed with anything colourful and animated, except The Triplets of Bellville, cos you know, THAT one has meaning) when I realised there ought to be a companion to the Evil Overlord's list, and that is

The Brave Superhero's List:

1. No matter how much the bad guy taunts me, I will not go into his subconscious with him in an attempt to Heal Him.
2. I will not leave the youngest, most inexperienced member of my super elite hero force to guard the castle/headquarters/dangerous prisoner. I will leave the meanest sumbitch on the team, armed to the teeth.
3. I will not show my enemies mercy if they suddenly look Human again at the last minute.
4. If a member of my team forgets my name or suffers a sudden personality change, I am locking their ass up.
5. And I will not let the youngest, most impressionable member of the team, who worships the ground said personality-switched hero walks on, guard them.
6. The penalty for stealing the super duper cool sekrit heromobile, to go joyriding in, is death.
7. Fighting fair is for pansies. If the bad guy drops his sword, it sucks to be him.
8. I will not use close-range hand-to-hand outmoded methods of self-defence when a Glock could do the job.
9. After killing the villain but before turning to deliver a witticism or moral lesson, I will stop and check for said villain's pulse.
10. The cellblock where I am keeping archnemeses of my less-mentally-stable superhero team members will be strictly off-limits to said team members.
11. Reformed evildoers never are.
12. I will not keep the evil robot for study. I will disassemble him completely and melt down the components which make him Intelligent and Evil. The rest of him will be used to make toasters.
13. The computers which hold the personnel files and security codes will not be the computers which are connected to the internet.
14. Emotionally damaged street urchins are cute, mischevious, and prime candidates for orphanages where they will sing merry songs about their hellish lives. They are not appropriate sidekicks.
15. I will use my superhuman powers to discover the weaknesses of newspaper editors with vendettas against me and blackmail them into silence. Because I'm the good guy goddammit.
16. I will not allow the use of a giant fucking searchlight when the commissioner needs my attention. He has my mobile number.
17. If I have a superhero alter ego, I will not date investigative journalists.
18. I will fight crime in an outfit that conceals me from my enemies, rather than one which draws attention to the target that is my yellow-spandex-clad ass.
19. I will not set traps for the evildoer using myself or my loved ones as bait. This Does Not Work.
20. If there's no body, the bad guy is not dead. No. Really.
21. I will not sleep with people whom I suspect to be evil. If a spouse or other loved one turns out to be evil, I will not under any circumstances allow them to Explain Themselves. They are going in lockdown.
22. I will not snog anyone while in-costume.
23. Especially another superhero.
24. Especially one of questionable moral standards.
25. When I feel the need to drop a load of existential hero angst, I will do so to my cat, and not bore my date, manservant, sidekick, or enemy with it.

Feel free to add your own. :D

AND THEY DID. Comment Conservation:

juniper200
I will use my superhuman powers to discover the weaknesses of newspaper editors with vendettas against me and blackmail them into silence.

I have no weaknesses! The truth will come out, Sam Man! You'll pay!!

26. Every day, the members of my team and I will have an organizational meeting and/or conference call. During said meeting, we will divulge every detail about the previous day. Dreams, conversations on the subway, threats on family from archnemesis, whatever. Anyone found to have withheld any infomation whatsoever will be on the receiving end of a savage beatdown.

hija_paloma
No weaknesses? Are you *kidding* me?

Three words: Johnny. Depp's. Cheekbones.

lamiael
22. I will not snog anyone while in-costume.

Especially not while upside down.

tenebris
In keeping with my secret identity, I will impress upon all young sidekick types the need for a codename, and the need to use this codename at any and all times. I shall also impress upon them that should they scream out my real name--even when I am undergoing the torture and angst that so obviously will be visited upon me--the punishments will be swift and dire.

Should a villian ever use the line, "We're not so different, you and I," I shall remember that said villian is probably a raging psychopath, and not waste my time angsting over these possible similarities. After all, I am the good guy, damnit.

If my butler/servant/loyal sidekick decides that I need to let the person I've been seeing into my secret lair in some attempt to make me "live in the real world," the punishment shall be dire.

Should I become interested in a telepath, I shall immediately seek some sort of psychiatric help. While fine to have on the team, telepaths will inevitably experience some sort of short out during the tenure of our relationship, leading to death/evil villainhood.

dork_elf
Rules for Superhero's significant Other:

I will not storm out on the Hero in a fit of pique that he killed someone/didn't tell me his identity til he/she had to. To do so is Certain Death.

I will not walk around alone at night no matter how pensive I feel, for to do so is Certain Death.

I will not try to become Super unless I actually HAVE some pretty coolass powers. To do so is Certain Death.

dnab
I, the Super Hero, will not get married, and I will not have kids. Any breaches of such code will require immediate termination (the drastic kind), unless said children have super powers, in which case they will be wisked off to Hogwart's School of Superheroism, where they can be someone else's liability.

lyricalnights
If I become involved with someone, I will let them know that they are unconditionally second in line behind my job as a Hero. (No matter how good the sex is.)

Thus, when faced with a choice between my significant other in mortal peril and the fate of the world, I will not hesitate to save the world. If the S.O. can be saved as well, so much the better. If not, s/he was warned.

My crime-fighting costume, should I have one, will include no parts that might be used to catch, strangle, bind, or chafe me. I will hire Lance Armstrong's people to see to this.

I will not leave my loved ones unguarded, except when I very obviously visit them for renewal in spirit. I will instead send them to Boca under an assumed identity and enjoy the postcards.

If my sidekick whines or angsts, out s/he goes. If my S.O. snoops, out s/he goes. Heroes are busy and we don't have time for that crap.

suyari
In the event of my untimely death, my body will be drawn, quartered and incinerated. Any violations of proper disposal of my vital organs and super DNA will inevitably be dealt with by my clone.

It must be noted that anything cute will inevitably mean trouble, and anything sexy will invariably lead to death.

As a champion of the world, I shall demand a salary. If I risk my life everyday to save their miserable, pathetic asses, I will not come home to a leaky apartment and chinese take out.

I do not require comic relief, as I am quite capable of taking a moment from my angst to remind everyone that heavier times are to come.

Relatives/Friends/Associates of any kind whom claim to be from another time/reality will be quickly and efficiently disposed of.

randomblade
Emotionally damaged street urchins are cute, mischevious, and prime candidates for orphanages where they will sing merry songs about their hellish lives.

I can see Oliver Twist's alternate life in deep manly voiceover. "By day, winsome ex-urchin. By night, lycra-clad buttmonkey of the caped crusader. Tristar pictures presents...TWIST. OF THE KNIFE"

* Slinky femmes fatale should be shot on sight. They will inevitably have a change of heart and rescue you at the eleventh hour, but you will have many different kinds of shit beaten out of you until then.

* Ditto feisty and beautiful women who remind you of your dead ex, your mother, or your pet alsatian. They will turn out to be the love of your life, but they will also be the cause of an equal amount of shit-beating. If it's the first or second in a trilogy, they will also probably die.

* In fact, shoot all women on sight.

* All men also; if you swing that way.

* Even if you don't swing that way, they may well remind you of your father/lost son/pet alsatian, and then die. Leading to angst, and further shit-beating.

*In fact, kill everyone and take over the world; Who's going to stop you? You are the last line of defence against megalomaniacal dictator-types. Take advantage of it.

gehayi
If you really want a Fortress of Solitude as a home away from home, do not build one in the Arctic where any scientists, exploration teams or orbiting satellites can spot it. Instead, rent a really lousy apartment in the middle of a major city. No one in said city will know or care where your Fortress of Solitude is.

ramen_addict
If the Villain In Question challenges me to unarmed combat, claiming unarmed and therefore at a disadvantage, I will simply kill the VIQ before s/he can finish talking.