(no subject)

This morning:
Sam: Hey guys, you gotta check out this giant spider I found in my bedroom! *presents spider, trapped in drinking glass*
Siblings: *appropriately awed noises*
Spider: *is the size of a nickel*

This afternoon:
Bernard: Hey, wow, you thought the spider you caught this morning was big, look at the one on our front walk.
Sam: *looks outside*
Spider: *is the size of a small mouse*

This evening:
Sam: So, Bernard, when you were in the shower ten minutes ago...
Bernard: What?
Sam: Did you notice the cockroach in the tub? *pulls back shower curtain dramatically*
Cockroach: *WALKS LIKE A MAN*

Okay Texas, I'm impressed, now stop it with the giant bugs. Seriously. That roach was easily three inches long. I'm not particularly phobic about bugs (except for June bugs. OVIPOSITORS WTF NO) but when I'm feeding the giant cockroach to the tarantula on my front porch, THE MADNESS NEEDS TO END.

Motherfuck, it's like a Harryhausen feature around here.