(no subject)

Best convo of today:

Patron: Hi! How are you tonight?
Sam: I'm good, and yourself?
Patron: Better than I deserve. Listen, about parking...
Sam: *explains the parking situation in detail, as per box office script*
Patron: I'm sorry. I know I asked a question but I've been paying so much attention to your eyes that I didn't hear a word you said. I'm going to send my husband over and have you explain it to him instead.

THANK YOU, ANONYMOUS PATRON!

(no subject)

I cleaned my kitchen today. Whoever thought stove tops should be white has a special place in hell.

In other news, I have no food. No. Food.

Actually, let me qualify that. I have no milk, bread, eggs, vegetables, fruits, or meat.

What I do have are two bags of walnuts, five sticks of butter, half a bottle of Diet 7-Up, a full canister of Quaker Oats (don't talk to me about oatmeal, oatmeal without milk is a sin), a bag of flour, an utterly ridiculous amount of sugar, lots of fantastic spices, two jars of pasta sauce (marinara and alfredo), four different kinds of mustard (how? when? What? I have cheese-flavoured mustard!) and one bag of boil-in-bag rice, because I can make croissants from scratch but you guys, rice? Totally beyond me.

Oh, I also have nine boullion cubes.

I suppose I could make some kind of satanic alfredo-rice concoction, or maybe mustard oatmeal, but those would probably be listed with the bisquick cookies from undergrad in my Bad Moves Sam Has Made file.

I think it's time to go grocery shopping.

(What Alton Would Do, by the way, is weep. He would stand in my kitchen and weep, and then make me throw out all my teflon pans.)