(no subject)

Wow, it's like the postal service had an office party in here and didn't invite us.

I came in this morning to find a pallet of office supplies BLOCKING THE FIRE ESCAPE, not one but three misdelivered packages from two different delivery services, and newspapers liberally strewn all over my desk. What the hell, was it a full moon this weekend?

OfficeMax was pretty awesome about their misdelivered packages and told us to keep them as samples, so now I have a spiffing new calendar and an in-out tray. FedEx, on the other hand, couldn't seem to comprehend the idea that someone might phone them if a package was delivered to the wrong address by mistake. It took me four tries to get the guy at customer service to understand that I had nothing to do with the package, I had simply found it on my desk this morning at [our address] 19th floor when it should be at [another address] 3rd floor. Then he said he was going to try to find the package in his system -- with only the street address to go by, including an incorrect zipcode -- and I told him, "Uh, do you want to locate it by tracking number? Because I have that. Since I have the package here. At the wrong address."

Oh. Yeah, maybe, huh?

Perhaps I should consult our new Employee Assistance Program website. It unveiled today, and has many helpful articles about anger management and Banishing Negativity! And, uh, pets. The "pets" section has subheadings. I never knew owning a pet required so much Employee Assistance.

It also has a perplexing article entitled "Eight Dating Tips For Lesbians". Apparently lesbians need more dating tips than other people? I don't know. I would like to share these with you, however (LESBIANS: HAVE YOUR PENCILS READY!) because they are hilariously vague:

Speak confidently, honestly, and well of yourself.
Focus on living, enjoying, and experiencing life.
Live as openly as possible.
Find networks and venues designed to help people meet. (Note: in the blurb under this one they suggest a great place to find lesbians is on Facebook. Uh.)
Join a congregation if you are interested in spiritual worship.
Expand your friendship network.
Surround yourself well.
Take risks and be creative.

I know quite a few lesbians and quite a few straight people and way more straight people need that advice than lesbians do, at least in my experience.

Of course, there is advice for straight people too. Under an article about "Finding the relationship you want!" I found the following. It's like some kind of secret code:

In the most intimate relationships, people often engage in the ugly dance. Your partner, or someone you're very close to, will say something that triggers you. From your subconscious mind you react, and the dance begins. Every person that comes into a relationship has some emotional baggage. Drop the luggage and stop the ugly dance.

WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN OH MY GOD this is why I quit my Psychology BA and got a degree in theatre instead.

Now if you'll excuse me I have to stop being Assisted and laughing at the "dating in the workplace" article and go write some steampunk fantasy.

(no subject)

And then everyone everywhere required my assistance at once.

And, oh my god, some of our clients are really old and talk really slowly and like to narrate their problems as if they were epic cinematic masterpieces. I really don't need to know your life story if all you need from me is directory assistance, honest.

Of course, those people only call as someone who needs live in-person assistance is walking into the office.

I did find time to polish and finish off a new chapter of Jack & Ellis, which you can find here. Clare thinks about theology, Jack meets his arch-nemesis, and Ellis Graveworthy gets a pleasant surprise.