(no subject)

[cblj_backup]

iamshadow linked me, the other day, to a story about a theft from a Catholic church in California. Now, granted, the news article is from Yahoo, so I'm not expecting journalistic excellence, but I wasn't expecting to crack up laughing, either. The item stolen was a relic of St. Anthony of Padua and its reliquary, and the reporter was either aware and circumspect or completely ignorant of the fact that in a religious context "relic" is used almost exclusively to refer to body parts of dead saints.

Nowhere in the article does it mention that the stolen object is, in fact, A REALLY OLD BONE.

I suppose he could have been trying to be as delicate as the officials. From Reuters:

The relic, which police and church officials have declined to describe, had been on display for the first time in nine years...

There are probably plenty of rational reasons not to describe something that's been stolen, but I can only think of two off the top of my head: either they think it'll prevent people from faking up replicas to sell or "return" for reward money, or they know it's kind of freaky to keep bits of saints lying around and don't want to remind people they do it (A of P's tongue, incidentally, is on display in Italy, because Italy hogs all the good stuff).

But I think really the church should realise that if they won't describe the Relic of St. Anthony -- at least designate which bone -- we're all just going to assume it's his penis. And no amount of remarks on the irony of a relic of the Patron Saint Of Lost Stuff being stolen is going to make up for it.

After all, penis theft has precedent.

If you'll pardon the pun (or even if you won't) the story does have a happy ending. The police found the relic undamaged, and it's been restored to the church, where hopefully they've attached a bell or something to prevent this from happening again. The suspect has apparently been released "due to a medical condition" which the police won't elaborate on either; the whole thing is veritably shrouded in mystery. (It's probably something simple like she's not quite mentally stable and didn't understand what she was doing, but admittedly that's less interesting than the mystery.)

Shadow hoped, and she wasn't really wrong, that I would be inspired to write some kind of story about all this. I have to say that I think there is a rich vein of material to be found in the story of a stolen holy penis.

OH MAN I LOVE WHEN I GET TO USE THE FRACTURED PENIS TAG.

Comments

[karadin.livejournal.com]

You know how people sometimes steal garden art (like Gnomes) and then take them around the world and send back pictures with item near monuments? Yeah, fic like that.

[foxxydancr.livejournal.com]

I do that with a spork. well, not fic. but photos in exciting places!

[slice254.livejournal.com]

It's hilarious that you posted this today. Every week, the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette website publishes a panoramic view of some site of significance in the city. Today it is St. Anthony Chapel (http://www.saintanthonyschapel.org/) home of the largest collection of publically displayed relics in the world.

It's also home to a hand-carved, life-sized Stations of the Cross, but that doesn't have anything to do with bits of dead people in ornate containers.

You can find the image here: http://multimedia.post-gazette.com/Revolution/default.asp. I recommend viewing it in full-screen mode. You can zoom in using the click wheel on your mouse.

[slice254.livejournal.com]

Can't remember if there are any penises on display. I haven't been there in years, and the inscriptions are mostly in Latin and German.

Wouldn't surprise me, though.

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

Neat! It's a very pretty church. Though, yeah, the life-sized stations of the cross are a bit much.

[elainasaunt.livejournal.com]

My very favorite stolen penis (partial) and also favorite relic is the Holy Prepuce (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Holy_Prepuce), which was stolen multiple times because it seems to have had the ability to multiply like the loaves and fishes.

You have to wonder about the apparent conflict between the concepts of veneration of relics and resurrection of the body.

[39th-year.livejournal.com]

My life is lacking...I cannot immediately identify my favorite stolen penis. Clearly this must be rectified. (And I wanted very badly to write "rectumfied" but restrained myself.)

[elainasaunt.livejournal.com]

I approve of restraint.

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

AHAHAHA AWESOME.

I'm totally gonna write a book about a guy hired to authenticate a holy prepuce.

[elainasaunt.livejournal.com]

Ooh! *wants*

I'm envisioning a sort of cross between Sherlock Holmes and Robert Langdon. Preferably with Holmes's hair.

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

I've already written the introduction (a brief dissertation on the uses of the penis in the visual arts) and a bit of chapter two -- he's a sort of geeky academic who found himself, without really meaning to, an expert on historical penises, especially stolen ones.

Should be fun. :D

[elainasaunt.livejournal.com]

Can't wait!

Speaking of "the uses of the penis in the visual arts," are you familiar with Leo Steinberg's fascinating work The Sexuality of Christ in Renaissance Art and in Modern Oblivion? Wikipedia doesn't have an article devoted to the book itself, alas, but if you use the title as a search term it will point you to articles discussing several of the issues Steinberg raises. I remember blushing my way through the Uffizi Gallery not long after reading it. I was like a hormonal boy with a busty teacher, unable to drag my eyes up to where they belonged. The Doni Tondo, OMG. http://bit.ly/lOeEyg

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

Oddly enough, I just ran across Steinberg not too long ago, and while I heard mention of The Sexuality Of Christ I think I ended up putting his Last Supper book on my reading list instead. I may add that one too, though, if you enjoyed it?

WELL HELLO THERE DONI TONDO.

[elainasaunt.livejournal.com]

Oh, yes, I would definitely recommend it: he's a very engaging writer and his approach to the subject matter is both passionate and completely straightforward. You'll never look at a Visitation of the Magi in quite the same way again. Those Renaissance guys were serious about the Word made Flesh.

[ozisim.livejournal.com]

*bangs head on table*
dammit! Plot bunny:
There is no way Cap'n Jack is NOT involved in the mysterious penis theft.

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

It's probably his.

[iamshadow.livejournal.com]

Surely if it was, the box would have to be bigger. Jack is like a succulent plant, after all. You only need a bit of him to grow a whole one.

[dreamwaffles.livejournal.com]

I...don't know whether I want to laugh or cry.

[iamshadow.livejournal.com]

HARKNESSES FOR EVERYONE!

Of course, this means that at some point in the future, everyone in the universe will be Jack Harkness. That'll go on until inevitably it'll be like the dragonspace in Guards! Guards! by Terry Pratchett (http://www.harpercollins.com/features/pratchettBooks/excerpt.aspx?isbn=9780061020643), only with much better teeth.

[lots42.livejournal.com]

This is why Jack loves everyone. Because he knows he will soon -be- everyone.

[azure-chaos.livejournal.com]

Which reminds me of the fic I started just after CoE where he grew back from the exploded body parts where each body part grew a new whole Jack Harkness...so many Jack Harknesses there'd be plenty to go round :D I dunno why I never finished it...possibly the cracky feelings wore off.

Nate

[iamshadow.livejournal.com]

That'd be The Jacks (http://nos-tylluan.livejournal.com/9333.html) by nos_tylluan, and it was certainly more serious rather than crack. I really enjoyed it. The author could have done with a rigorous beta to tidy it up (couldn't we all?), but it's a really awesome concept that they did well at making interesting rather than ridiculous.

[azure-chaos.livejournal.com]

Ohh I wasn't aware anyone else had written one. I was talking about one that I'd started to write (it's sitting in my bulging WiP folder), it was pretty cracky. But then I stopped writing TW really, so that's more likely the reason.

Nate

[iamshadow.livejournal.com]

Sorry, I mistook what you said. I thought you meant you read one, but you meant you were writing one, didn't you?

[azure-chaos.livejournal.com]

Yup, sorry, should've said started writing. :) But then, thanks for pointing me towards the other fic that I didn't know existed \o/

Nate

[iamshadow.livejournal.com]

Yay! It's really interesting, particularly in terms of plot and character development. Just when you think it's going to turn to utter crack or porn, it somehow always takes a sharp right and does something else completely. :D

It's also interesting when you compare it to certain current season Who plotlines, for many reasons that I won't elaborate on in case I spoil people.

[dreamwaffles.livejournal.com]

And a lot more sex.

[lots42.livejournal.com]

Well, we grew a whole new Doctor out of a -hand-.

[(Anonymous)]

Oh mi god, Sam, you need to stop writing so many posts, I am so behiiiind! *cries*

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

Sorry! I'm making less than usual!

[lefaym.livejournal.com]

"the relic is housed in a 16-inch reliquary case with angel-shaped handles made of gold and silver on either side."

LOLOLOL. That's one good-sized relic.

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

Well, they SAY it's 16", but really it's closer to 10".

[iamshadow.livejournal.com]

LOL, I can't get past the idea of them putting a bell on it. All the 'my ding-a-ling' jokes in the world.

Though maybe, if they like it, they should put a ring on it.

[splagxna.livejournal.com]

...i'm amused that it's st anthony's relic that went missing - b/c isn't he the one who helps find lost things?

[lots42.livejournal.com]

What I heard was that the suspect, described as a middle-aged redhead from England, simply vanished from her cell and everyone's too embarassed to really say it. The only clue was a strange wheezing sound...

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

Ancient Roman soldiers have also been sighted in the vicinity...