(no subject)

[cblj_backup]

I made someone cry at work today. I didn't mean to do it; I was actually offering to help, but apparently I broke the dam.

Someone outside our department pulled some bullshit, demanding something of my podmate that was not strictly speaking department policy. My boss told my podmate "Okay, just do what they ask, but email them and tell them they can't do it again, and be firm." My podmate protested that it was difficult, and she just "wasn't that way!" She has, notably, had a dreadfully hard time asserting herself, which I 100% understand.

So her direct supervisor came over and said well, okay, but you really need practice at tactfully telling people what you can and can't do. I thought they were joking around about it as they talked, about how she doesn't feel it's her place even though she knows she can. So I turned around and said, "You know, if you want, you can write a draft and send it to me and I'll go over it" because I am well known as a tactful asskicker, and also I've made something of a study of the inherent negative bias that exists in digital communication (it's true, google it).

I don't think it's what I said so much as the fact that three people were talking to her about it, and clearly she has some other stresses in her life right now, because she just started to cry. And her supervisor looked at me, and then our boss looked at us, and it was all the uncomfortable.

I'm not actually very good at being good when people are crying, but she's a little younger than me and kind of in the same headspace I get sometimes, so the urge to go over and...I don't know, mentor or something was pretty strong. But having just made her cry I figured that might not be wise, so I just went back to my work and left her to it. Which I hope was the right thing to do; some people like to be left alone and she seems like the type.

Still. AWKWARD.

I never made anyone cry at work before, and it's like the worst Unlock Achievement ever.

The best thing about the Reasons I Love My Job tag is that it can be used both in earnest and ironically.

Comments

[oligomer.livejournal.com]

Oh noes! :( Awkward on everyone's part...

[fmanalyst.livejournal.com]

I don't think you made her cry. I think the situation made her cry because it was forcing her so far out of her comfort zone and she felt humiliated because she was having to confront something about herself that she had probably been trying very hard not to acknowledge.

[eskanto]

That sounds about right. Also, UNF @ Sheska.

[etharei.livejournal.com]

Poor podmate, I totally understand :-( I'm pants at being assertive as well.

Actually the one time I got a nervous breakdown during high school was when I was having difficulties getting into my character for Drama and half the class decided that the best way to help me was to surround me and bombard me with prompts and ideas. Like, I think I take direction fairly well, but having to deal with six people at once was a bit much.

The point I was making was that, yeah, sometimes it's not so much what's being said as OMG OVERWHELMED ABORT ABORT OUT OF CHEESE ERROR.

(edited because LJ ate some words)

[ravin-raven.livejournal.com]

At my job, I occasionally make children cry. We have a high-wire unicycle that you need to have to have certain shoes and leg length to ride (the 250lb weight restriction is never an issue). Nothing like telling a kid who has waited in line over an hour and can't ride to make you feel like the worst person ever.

Also, I totally feel for Non-Assertive Co-Worker. *points to icon*

[infelixsoror.livejournal.com]

I feel the need to point out the difference between making someone cry and being the last person to speak to someone who was just about to start crying.
Also, it is sometimes very dangerous to be a friendly face in that sort of awkward situation. There have been several times when people trying to help me have set me off crying through absolutely no fault of their own, while those who are not so helpful don't make me cry because I can make myself focus on things other than crying when dealing with them. The simplest way to make my mother cry is to ask her if she's okay when she's not, so I like to think I'm not the only one who's like this.
But, yes, hugely awkward all around.

[cat63.livejournal.com]

There have been several times when people trying to help me have set me off crying through absolutely no fault of their own, while those who are not so helpful don't make me cry because I can make myself focus on things other than crying when dealing with them.

This.

If I'm on the verge of crying, someone being nice to me is more likely to tip me over the edge than someone being matter-of-fact or even downright nasty. Sounds like Unassertive Co-Worker might be the same way.

[ysabet.livejournal.com]

An apology in the form of a HUGE-ASS CUPCAKE generally will help; you don't need to utter a word, just leave it on her desk with a yellow stickynote that says 'I'm sorry' on it; that'll do the job. I would not just leave things as they are... You know how offices are like villages? You don't want your house to be the one that smells bad (so to speak.) Officemates frequently have long memories. Cupcakes, though... they fix stuff, and they don't have the connotations that flowers have. Even if she turns out to be gluten-intolerant, she'll give it away but remember the gift.

[black-rider.livejournal.com]

That's a really good idea, actually! Even if like, you're not in the wrong, SUGAR makes people like you.

[bobthemole.livejournal.com]

Cupcake works. I've also used a candy bar with a ribbon on it.

Non-verbal gesture is waaay better than pretending it never happened. Which I've also done. And regretted.

[mycatsellsclues.livejournal.com]

Yes. This exactly. That regret will bite you. Better everyone bites the cupcakes and feels altogether better about things.

[half-wise.livejournal.com]

She probably cried because you were being nice to her, I do that sometimes, it makes even less sense then crying when I'm angry. (It sucks to be a girl.) I think leaving her alone was probably best, too many people trying to be helpful and encourage you to do something that you simply can't (even if they think you can) is very overwhelming.

I have a friend who always makes me laugh when I'm about to cry, I have no idea how he does it, but he does and it's the only thing I've ever found comforting when crying is imminent. But there really is no good thing to do once someone is crying, I don't think.

[sandrayln.livejournal.com]

Cry because of anger club for the... the... I'd say 'win', but considering I just got home after a very long day in which the only person who did not piss me off was my husband... I think it may be a 'lose' instead.

[half-wise.livejournal.com]

It's certainly a tricky one. Hope today was better for you.

[sandrayln.livejournal.com]

Much better, thanks! Yesterday was just... a combination of my boss being irritating, my coworkers being irritating, and all of the clients I was working with being irritating - and culminating with being hours late being able to leave to go home. And then I had to drive through severe thunderstorms. *laugh* It was... a long, long day.

[half-wise.livejournal.com]

Good! I know exactly where you're coming from with that though. Some days you just wish you'd never gotten out of bed.

[itcamefromjapan.livejournal.com]

Oh god, I cry the hardest when someone is nice to me. I mean, it's not like I'm deprived of niceness in my daily life or anything, but if I'm already stressed/overwhelmed/otherwise upset and someone handles that with sensitivity and kindness...yeah.

[half-wise.livejournal.com]

It's weird, isn't it? And then you get kind of mad at yourself for crying and *that* makes you cry too.

[itcamefromjapan.livejournal.com]

Yes, exactly. Or you get mad at everyone else for teaching you that it's not okay to have a perfectly natural emotional reaction, and then...well. You can guess the rest, I'm sure.

(SPOILER ALERT: It involves more crying.)

[half-wise.livejournal.com]

It's all a big mess of crying sometimes.

[mamculuna.livejournal.com]

I've made people cry by just asking how they were doing, so it's clearly not your fault. May not be your thing, but what feels good to me is to pat them on the arm and say "so sorry it's tough" before leaving them to it. If that's not your thing, something like the cupcake suggestion might be good. Or just an email of some kind.

[lauzeta.livejournal.com]

I made someone cry when I was a TA once. I felt awful, but it was the end of term. *shrug*

(Fortunately I was subbing for somebody else at the time.)

I think a lot of people have done it. I don't think you did anything wrong :)

[sandrayln.livejournal.com]

I made a hormonal teenager cry once. It was not the most pleasant of feelings, but... y'know... I was in charge, and she was crying because I asked her to complete a task I'd been told to have her do. Sometimes, it's just that something stupid is going on and crying becomes the pressure release.

[slice254.livejournal.com]

I'm the crier in my office. My boss and I have a running gag going when he does my performance evaluation. I cried the year I got a 10% raise, I cried when he told me I could be doing better, I cried last year when he basically ignored the form (I had a crap year statistically, but it really [honestly!] wasn't my fault) and we just chatted.

Sometimes people, and yes, especially women, just cry as a default expression of emotion. I have no idea why - and I never used to be like that.

But having said that...cupcakes go a long way to making someone's day. But don't be surprised if she cries when she sees it.

[ojuzu.livejournal.com]

I would say that leaving her alone to cry was an extremely good decision! If someone (like me, for instance) gets stressed when people are giving advice, asking "are you okay?" is probably just the thing to make them cry twice as hard and feel twice as bad about doing it.

[tardis-stowaway.livejournal.com]

I agree with this. I often cry when I'm stressed. Left alone, I can usually get over the tears and get on with whatever I need to do. The more people pay attention to the fact that I'm crying, even in kindness, the more I feel embarrassed and hate myself for crying for such stupid reasons. Then I'm crying because I'm upset about crying, and that is a downward spiral that is difficult to emerge from. Leaving stress-criers alone is often for the best.

Sometimes if I am upset (but not yet crying) because I feel like I can't do something, people trying to encourage me or offer solutions can send me over the edge into tears because the encouragement engages my contradictory instinct, making me think even harder of all the reasons why I still think I can't do whatever it is and also fail at life in general. I hate that this is my illogical reaction to people who are genuinely trying to make things better, but it happens, and I may not be the only one who does it.

(I am done venting and projecting now.)

[nottheprincess.livejournal.com]

Thank you for saying this - I'm so glad to know I'm not the only one who does this!

[shadowturquoise.livejournal.com]

I imagine she's feeling really embarrassed now and is worried that you think she is an idiot for crying (that's how I've felt after being in a similar situation). Give her a cupcake, commiserate briefly over the situation, the treat her as you normally would. Walking on eggshells around her will just make it worse.

[stasia]

I've made two people cry whilst teaching them knitting things. One came back later to say that it wasn't my fault; she'd been hormonal (her words!!!) and I'd just caught her at the wrong moment. The second one I still have no idea about. I'd been telling her about something and she just ... bubbled up with tears, grabbed her knitting, and fled. I still don't know what I triggered, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't about me.

However, I still feel terrible about both. I had the chance to apologise to the first, but oh, the regret I have for the second. *sigh* I wish I could give her a cupcake.

Stasia

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

I think that you are quite right in your assumption that she was just feeling overwhelmed. And your offer of reading her draft and helping was both productive and kind.

While it probably wasn't the right moment to go over and talk to her right then, I think it's the right impulse. Over the years I've had occasion to both go and offer a bit of support and a hand to someone, and to have the same offered to me, which meant that when I was the one doing the offering I could honestly say 'We've all been here, it's so much easier if we all lend a hand and have each other's backs ...' Give it a go on Monday and I think the worst that can happen is that you will let a workmate know you have her back, which in itself is a heartwarming thing in today's under-humanised workplaces.

[ljgeoff.livejournal.com]

It's very common for someone to begin crying when they are feeling comforted, so maybe it was that. (Being comforted tends to lower our defenses, which can lead to a slip in control.)

I agree with acknowledging the incident in some way. Not acknowledging it will make it taboo and make her feel even worse.

[maeritrae.livejournal.com]

I know it sounds awfully sexist, but this is one of those situations where 95% of men totally suck, and about 40% of women can handle it just fine.

So statistically speaking, what you should have done is sent Coworker Crush an e-mail going "HELP! I made Podmate cry and I have no idea what to do. Can you...be...womanly or something?"