(no subject)

[cblj_backup]

So, people enjoyed "Sam Explains Marvel Civil War" enough that I thought I would break out an old conversation a few of us had about....

Why Professor X Can't Wear Telepathic Pants (Or Possibly Can)

Featuring Claire, spiderine, thaddeusfavour, and amand_r.

For some reason best left unidentified, I must open every discussion of comic books with a picture of Michael Fassbender smoking.

Claire: He looks like

the kind of man

to agree with me

that Professor X could obviously wear telepathic pants instead of a telepathic chair!!!!!!

Introducing Charles Xavier:

Claire: I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY THEY CAN'T FIND PROFESSOR X. HIS HOUSE HAS A GIANT SIGN WITH AN X ON IT.

Mandr: They find him all the time. but when they come to the door, they suddenly forget why they're there and they have to start all over.

Claire: LMAO that's a good one.

"These are not the droids you are looking for."

Professor X is one of the 1% isn't he?

Sam: I think if he were the 1% he'd buy himself some bionic pants.

Spider: Anyone who has a stealth plane hidden under the tennis court (I don't know if that's in the reboot, but it's traditional X-men canon) is certainly a member of the 1%

Claire: There's a plane under the tennis court LOLOLOL

why not in an airplane hangar???

Spider: It needs to be deployed instantly! Can you imagine, "Quick everyone! Get in the shuttle van to the airport!"


Stop Freezing People!

Claire: I don't get how if he can move things with his mind, why doesn't he move his leg with his mind? That's how I move my legs. With my mind.

Mandr: He cannot move things with his mind. Actually, I think the issue is that he can't use telepathy on himself. And he's not telekinetic.

Claire: DAMMIT. I thought I found a hole. So he can move people but not move objects?????

Sam: I think he can read minds, but not move people or objects, if I'm reading the Geek Squad over here right.

Claire: He moved people in the movie, he froze them so they couldn't walk - he froze all the CIA dudes.

Oh and that Nazi.

I'm not sure why he froze Kevin Bacon so Magneto could kill Kevin Bacon but was so upset that Magneto killed Kevin Bacon. Well, unfreeze Kevin Bacon then so he can run away, Professor X!

Or, maybe Professor X just is disappointed in Magneto like, "I froze him but I thought you were just gonna handcuff him."

Mandr: No, see, he doesn't freeze them. He causes them to think they cannot move. Like if he can move anything, I would think it would be the electrical firing of synapses, and that's it.

He's not exerting any pressure on their muscles, like Magneto does when he freezes the iron in someone's blood.

This is uncomfortably close to asking what it feels like to be beamed up.

Claire: Oh I didn't realise it was so scientific! He makes them THINK they are frozen but they are not actually frozen.

That's still controlling people. Like, he could make them think: "RUN OVER THAT CLIFF!" or he could make them say something right? That's still moving bodies around.

Sam: Yeah, but he can't tell himself to think he can walk!

Claire: That's IRONY. it's a gift curse. He can tell girls with big boobs to jump and down and jiggle, but he cannot jump up and down himself. A gift curse like being a werewolf.

How does he manipulate the "perception of time" but no other perceptions? What about the perception of other things? Like making people think they are cats or bananas?

Mandr: Dude, he can do all of that, and has, selectively. He just chooses not to do it. That's actually one of Magneto's big beefs with him.


Shiiars Are Punks:

Mandr: The chair is Shiiar tech, and telepathic.

Claire: Why in the world did they give Professor X a telepathic chair to sit in that goes backwards and forwards like a regular wheelchair? What about alien PANTS to stand in that move your legs backwards and forwards individually using telepathic powers?

Mandr: FIRST OF ALL, IT FLOATS. SECOND OF ALL, HE'S LIMITED BY THE IMAGINATIONS OF THE WRITERS AT MARVEL, AND LASTLY, THEY HAD THAT, BUT THE EXPLANATION WAS THAT IT COST HIM A LOT TO CONSTANTLY BE USING THE LEG SUIT.

Claire: Well the obvious solution is don't be constantly using the leg suit! Just some of the time, when you need to get up and get a snack or you want to walk back and forth in front of your mutant children to give them an inspiring speech.

Then, the rest of the time you sit down and relax. Come on Professor X you are a teacher you probably have a desk and chair. It's not like you have to stand in the hot sun for hours!!!

Mandr: I will be honest. I don't think Professor X has any issues getting a snack. I have seen the man's bathroom set up. It's hard core.

Not that...not that he gets snacks from the bathroom. oh god.


Important To Note:

Claire: I like Professor X because he's British.

Mandr: HAAAHAHAH HE'S NOT BRITISH. WTF.

Claire: HE IS BRITISH HE IS PLAYED BY PATRICK STEWART


Even More Important To Note:

Thad: His cock may or may not work, but he was dating an alien princess babe for awhile. That's how he got the fancy wheelchair and also walked for a bit.

Sam: Whatever the status of his cock, I assume his tongue is still functional.


Details, Details:

Claire: Magneto has a fucking floating island!?!?! Is it made out of metal ???

Mandr: SORT OF!

Claire: What does sort of mean? Did he find a floating island and stuff metal in it. And can he drive it with his mind then?

Like ...vrrrrrroooom the island is now off the coast of California?

I can't believe Magneto can drive an island around and Professor X is trapped with stairs. Irritates me that clearly Magneto is a more clever engineer than Professor X.

Mandr: I am sorry. He has an asteroid.

Claire: The article TELLS ME NOTHING OF THE DRIVEABILITY OF THIS ISLAND. Magneto is not mentioned here

Mandr: You are reading about the wrong Avalon.


A Solution To All Our Problems:

Claire: Okay I got it. Jean Grey works for Professor X and is played by Famke Janssen.

Professor X should use his mind powers to access Jean Grey's telekinesis powers in her mind and move Professor X's legs.

Sorted. Fucking sorted!

Mandr: For a while, he had an awesome exoskeleton that was controlled by thought. then he used it to go to Magneto's hideout and attack his brain. It was awesome.

Claire: How did he get into the hideout? Was there a wheelchair ramp in Magneto's lair????

Mandr: They took a space ship!

Claire: NOBODY has been able to say why JEAN GREY can't move Professor X's legs --- this is a huge fucking hole in the whole story considering that they live in the same house. I know they did, I saw X-men 1 & 2. Wolverine lives there, Sookie from True Blood, ... one of the Ashmore twins. James Marsden (hottie). And Professor X.

He could hook up his brains to Jean. Then, access her telekinesis powers to make his legs go back and forth. This is so fucking simple. Why hasn't this been done? They need a new writing team over there at Marvel.

I'd be amazing at this. Sorting shit out. Writing good plots.

Mandr: Jean CAN do that. But she would have to concentrate on it all the time. It's not worth it.

Claire: Concentrate all the time to move two legs????? That's not credible. I saw in the movie she moved really big things all the time.

Mandr: SHE HAS TO CONCENTRATE. LOL. What about if he wants to be up and about while she's sleeping?

Claire: That's compromise. He has to wait until she wakes up. Or, if he really needs to pee he can use his mind to wake her up and then walk quickly to the bathroom.


Professor X is Ripped:

Mandr: There might be an argument to saying that Professor X being in a wheelchair is a good way to maintain disabled presence in comics, regardless of how much he might want to not be in one. "Fixing" him diminishes their presence, and people might take exception to that, regardless of practicality of plot.

Not that comics and practical have any place being in the same sentence together.

Claire: However, he should NOT have a telepathic wheelchair then. That technology makes no sense!

It should be a regular wheelchair with wheels. He could have really ripped arms! Sexy.

I know his spine is broken permanently because Magneto is hilariously bad at stopping bullets. Really bad. It's not your thing, Magneto.

Mandr: he totally does have ripped arms!

Claire: Holy shit ripped everything look at his chest!!!

I didn't know Professor X was so hot -- James Mcavoy is somewhat marshmallowy ...

Like .. look at the marshmallowy telepath there in the cozy sweaters.

Amandr, why is he covered in muscles but uses a telepathic chair to get around?

Mandr: to prevent aptophy? to lift him on the can? i dunno!

Claire: I bet he has an automatic telepathic can of some sort ...

What am I saying he probably can just poop right into the chair and it sorts it all out. Obvs!

Mandr: DID YOU FORGET THE PART WHERE i SAID I SAW HIS BATHROOM SET UP?

Claire: what kind of comic book shows characters going to the bathroom --- What plot line was that in aid of???? I don't want to see people on the toilet unless they are standing on it to escape out a window from zombies, monsters, kidnappers etc

Mandr: NO, I SAW HIS SHOWER SET UP. HE'S GOT THAT WHOLE "LOW SITTING CHAIR" THING GOING ON.

Claire: Why was he in the shower, seriously --- was he "teaching" mutants from the tub LOL

Was he crying in the shower because he's sad? I do that all the time. Mostly I cry in the shower because soap got in my eyes.

Maybe if he was DOING something it would make more sense, like, he's shouting into a phone while showering. Maybe busy mutant leaders give orders while in the shower...


The Inevitable Fall Of Pants:

Mandr: I think this argument has now ascended to the higher meta plane of, "the fallibility of human creation and the analysis of what plot holes reveal about our societal structure."

Sam: Aka "Nobody likes pants, that's why".

Claire: If he is in a wheelchair how will he climb the Spanish Steps???? What if there's a battle on un-even ground? What does he do? What about sharp inclines and unexpected slopes????

Sam: I think it goes beyond that, to the fundamental knowledge that we were not truly meant to wear pants.

Claire: You sound like Prof X lecturing from his wheelchair about why he wants to sit on his ass all day long.

PROFESSOR SAM ARE YOU SAYING UNDER THE COZY BLANKET OVER YOUR LAP YOU HAVE NO PANTS ON?????

Mandr: That is why I liked Ultimate X-Men--he always just had a chair.

Claire: If I wanted things that didn't make sense I'd read Harry Potter. "Dumbledore why didn't you tell ---" "SHUT UP THAT'S WHY"

Mandr: I WOULD LIKE TO POINT OUT THAT DUMBLEDORE DID NOT WEAR PANTS.

Claire: DUMBLEDORE DOESN'T NEED PANTS TO MOVE HIS LEGS WITH HIS MIND. HIS MIND ALREADY MOVES HIS LEGS WITH HIS MIND.

And so, in conclusion:

Claire: HERE ARE SOME IDEAS TO IMPROVE MARVEL COMICS by Claire

1) Prof X + pants (see attached document with thoughts).

2) Draw the ladies less sexy more normal, but still cool, and still pretty.

3) Have more heroes that are actual heroes and not anti-heroes that do bad things and we are supposed to applaud them.

4) can you buy Superman from DC and then relaunch him as awesome? I am not confident in DC's ability to handle Supes lately.

STAY TUNED EVERYONE. Next week we tackle Alpha Flight: Canada's Unnecessary Avengers!

Comments

[melayneseahawk.livejournal.com]

Ok, when you got to Dumbledore, I actually laughed out lout.

[darthhellokitty.livejournal.com]

For me, it was the bit about Professor X pooping in his chair and it getting sorted out.

[neifile7.livejournal.com]

X-Men have no pants.

X-Men need no pants.

[euruaina.livejournal.com]

EXACTLY.

Seriously though, can we have a scene in the next film where no one is wearing pants? :D

Also, your icon! AHAHAHAHA approval.

[matt_doyle]

'Sam explains comic books' is quickly becoming one of my favorite tags to see on a post. Though it's still no 'conversations with r.' Nothing beats 'conversations with r.'

[ozisim.livejournal.com]

Seconded!
All of this ^

[twirlynoodle.livejournal.com]

I enjoyed the Marvel Civil War conversation, even though most of it was baffling, but this is about 256% better. Thumbs up for much chuckling!

[bluejeans07.livejournal.com]

Damn, I so cannot wait for you guys to read a Crisis comic. XD

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

OH FUCK NO. I HAVE THAT.

I WANT THEM TO READ 52.

[daizy2k2.livejournal.com]

Your comic book thoughts keep making me almost want to read comics.

I feel any discussion is made better by starting with a picture of Michael Fassbender smoking, you don't need a reason.

[blushingflower.livejournal.com]

Whatever the status of his cock, I assume his tongue is still functional.
As, one assumes, are his hands. And the electrical outlets in his mansion.

But that kind of thinking will get you far in life.

[nerakrose]

i think you broke my brain.

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

*awards this BEST COMMENT*

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

I WOULD JUST LIKE TO ANNOUNCE THAT I AM PRO ALPHA FLIGHT, ALL THE WAY.

[lincolnkw.livejournal.com]

SECONDED!!

[pocky_slash.livejournal.com]

Many of my friends won't have conversations with me about the greater X-universe anymore because I frequently find myself playing Mandr's role. "NO, GUYS, THEY TRIED THAT FOR SIX ISSUES IN THE 90S AND IT BACKFIRED AND NOW THEY CAN'T DO IT AGAIN BECAUSE OF THIS MINOR TECHNICALITY."

I am a lot of fun at parties.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

OMG YEAH, I LOVE BEING THE FOUNT OF USELESS INFORMATION.

WAIT, WAIT DO YOU KNOW THIS--WHATEVER HAPPENED TO MAGGOT? SRSLY.

[bloodrebel333.livejournal.com]

*lols*

[sadcypress.livejournal.com]

I feel that I've learned SO MUCH, Sam. You must continue this as an educational feature of the cafe!

[sabra-n.livejournal.com]

*draws little hearts around your icon*

[51stcenturyfox.livejournal.com]

Mandr: I WOULD LIKE TO POINT OUT THAT DUMBLEDORE DID NOT WEAR PANTS.

Okay, this is really off-topic, but I read some discussion somewhere that the Hogwarts students and various other robe-wearers didn't wear pants (trousers) under their robes and this makes no sense to me. Is it fanon? Fact? A filthy lie?

Hogwarts seems too drafty not to at least wear long johns or spandex bike shorts or something.

[ravenofdreams.livejournal.com]

So, yes, there is a canon bit. One of the older wizards (not Dumbledore) says something about liking a breeze around his bits. From the characters' reactions to that, it is assumed that younger/more modern wizards are wearing pants under the robes.


...gods, the shit I know.

[sabra-n.livejournal.com]

That is why I liked Ultimate X-Men--he always just had a chair.

Yes, but on the other hand, Ultimate X-Men was terrible. Also, Millar.

Yay for Alpha Flight being next! Maybe eventually we'll get to the Great Lakes Avengers!

[ravenofdreams.livejournal.com]

Dammit, why aren't my real-life conversations this awesome? I need better friends. Or weirder ones, but really, I don't think I need that at all.

[pocketmouse]

Just put Charles in a room with Tony Stark. Tony will build him some fucking magic legs. Seriously.

[sadcypress.livejournal.com]

... why hasn't this ACTUALLY HAPPENED yet??

[madripoor-rose.livejournal.com]

Oh, LOLsome!

[queenofspades89.livejournal.com]

I was CACKLING throughout this post.

[dreamwaffles.livejournal.com]

This post was exactly what I needed today; thanks very much. ROBOPANTS.

Also, I don't know if you've seen this, but I think you'd really, really like it. It's ~15 minutes.

http://www.whitestonemotionpictures.com/films/blood-on-my-name/

[cluegirl.livejournal.com]

Do let me know when you get 'round to The Authority, won't you? I'll want to lay in a supply of popcorn for your reaction to Jenny Sparks...

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

I don't think I've even heard of this! INTRIGUING.

[karadin.livejournal.com]

I still want to know how the Metal Island Steers.

[sandrayln.livejournal.com]

The thing that always got me about Professor X - one of many, granted - was that in the decade or so I read the X-Men books, I never actually saw a real explanation for why he was in the chair. Sometimes it looked like the whole rationale was "Him have big brain, him not walk so good."

Because the times he didn't have telepathy? Like, say, during parts of the Onslaught saga, when his little alien brain-baby was off discussing the state of Central Park with the Hulk and the FF? Fucker mysteriously could walk, but he couldn't... telepath, for lack of a better term. What the hell was THAT??

[alexiel-neesan.livejournal.com]

... This is high-quality comic review. Seriously. (also it kinda sounds like the kind of discussions I'd have by the print lab. For some very strange reason when we start talking comics, no-one comes to talk to me and my trusty sidekick my coworker.)

Why is Charles in a chair/telepathic alien chair/in need of robotpant anyway? I don't think I ever read the reason. (Aside from Magneto in First Class)

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

It's very...Socratic. WE QUESTION EVERYTHING.

I have no idea why X is in a wheelchair. I always assumed it was their idea of cosmic irony.

[ealgylden.livejournal.com]

Next week we tackle Alpha Flight: Canada's Unnecessary Avengers!

That's silly, Alpha Flight are totally necessary! If not for them, everyone in Canada would have been eaten by Wendigo!

[lusse-kun.livejournal.com]

Why would he need a good tongue? If he has the amount of control to mess with people's muscles and perceptions and thoughts and whatnot, it doesn't seem like such a stretch that he could he mentally manipulate the princess into an orgasm.

[spectre-infanta.livejournal.com]

...I'm pretty sure I've read a Charles/Erik fic along those lines.