(no subject)

[cblj_backup]

Speaking of poutine....

So I decided to read the newest reboot of the comic book Alpha Flight, which is Canada's answer to the Avengers. It's very recent, and I think had something to do with the Civil War event, but it's fuzzy at this point.

I have to warn you guys, if you like Alpha Flight...you probably don't want to read this.

We're cruel people.

We, being myself, Claire, amand_r, and spiderine, with a cameo from gypsylady.

Sam: I'm going to read ALPHA FLIGHT.

Claire: Why is this happening to me? I'm a good person!!!!

Sam: I should note, this is just the recent eight-issue run. After that it was cancelled. Again.

Requisite "Fassbender Smoking" to open the festivities:

Introducing Alpha Flight

Claire: From wikipedia: "Though reluctant to take the job, John Byrne wrote and drew the series for 28 issues before handing it off to another creative team."

JOHN BYRNE HATED THIS SHIT TOO

Mandr: YES. YES HE DID.

Sam: The comic is weirdly well-lit. All the Avengers comics are like DARK ROOMS AND SHADOWS and Alpha Flight is like BRIGHT WHITE LIGHT ALL THE TIME, BOUNCING OFF THE SNOW.

Claire: Why are they in the SNOW, Sam? X-Men takes place in New York we have the same weather as NEW YORK


Northstar and Aurora:

Sam: Northstar is gay AND delivers smackdowns in Quebecois!

Claire: He's Quebecois too??? Is his signature move playing with a wooden marionette?

Mandr: HE HAS A TWIN SISTER, AURORA!

SHE IS NOT GAY, NEWSFLASH.

"On Alpha Flight's first mission, Aurora aided in combating the X-Men to capture Wolverine. With Northstar, she battled Deadly Ernest. [...] Aurora was captured by Gilded Lily, but was rescued by Sasquatch, who began to suspect that she was manifesting a third personality. With Northstar, she battled Pink Pearl."

Claire: Deadly Ernest, Gilded Lily, Pink Pearl

What is wrong with us.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH US!!!

Sam: Deadly Ernest is funny, though. I'd read a Deadpool-style comic about Deadly Ernest.


The Name Game:

Sam: Claire, I hate to tell you this, but Alpha Flight is so, so boring. One of their big nemeses, apparently, is a villain called Purple Woman. Because she is Purple.

Claire: OF COURSE THEY ARE BORING

I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU THIS

NOBODY NAMED AURORA OR NORTHSTAR CAN BE INTERESTING

I can't choose which name is the worst, Puck, Sasquatch, Snowbird

THEY ARE ALL SO BAD

"Puck: Eugene Judd is a dwarf bouncer from Saskatoon with enhanced strength and extraordinary acrobatic abilities."

Oh god I'm offended by proxy.

Sam: Puck has just appeared in the comic. Apparently he came back from hell.

PUCK WENT TO HELL

ROLL THAT PHRASE AROUND ON YOUR TONGUE

Claire: "Manbot: Bernie Lechenay is a human/Box robot cyborg."

Half .. box ... ??

"Snowbird: Also known as Narya, she is an Inuit demi-goddess from Yellowknife, who can transform into animals of the north."

HOW IS THAT USEFUL???? I mean animals of the north. Like, a ptarmigan????

Spider: I suppose she does a lot of polar bears and wolves. And whatever photogenic hawks you got up there for flying purposes.

Claire: But, other mutants should be able to quickly blast a wolf or polar bear. Also wolves are scared of people!!!

If she could turn into ice at least that would be useful, like ice man!

Spider: This is a comic book. In comic books, women who turn into "animals of the north" can behave however the hell they want.

Claire: It be easier to stop her though -- even humans could stop her! That's not much of a power, to turn into something lower on the food chain than a human!!!

Oh there's a mutant named Wendigo? Listen now ----------- I don't fuck with wendigo stories -- I don't even say the word.

That's not funny and shouldn't be in the comics books


Not Prankin':

Claire: I HOPE YOU DIDN'T SPEND MONEY ON THIS SAM

Mandr: Yeah, seriously, I worked in a comic book store, and read everything for free, and even I didn't read Alpha Flight.

Claire: I can't cringe enough!!!!!! Are you pranking me????

Why would anybody make this -- who would buy this? There are not enough Canadians for a book about Canadians!!!

What was Marvel's plan here????

Sam: Sasquatch played American Pro Football.

I would not prank you like this. I don't think I have this much imagination.

Spider: Sam, why are you reading this in the first place? Did I miss something? Please tell me you are not writing anything about this. Or even NEAR this. Please don't write anything in proximity to this, unless it's absolute unfettered crack.

Sam: I'm reading it mainly to torment Claire. Believe me, I'm not sure even my elite canon-rewrite skills could fix this.

Claire: Let's not discourage creativity - If Sam wants to put a scene where Puck, the dwarf from Saskatoon, watches Captain American and Iron Man fucking, that's his right as an author!!!

Sam: Puck and Marinna are doing it, I think. She's a black-eyed alien with green coral growing out of her boobs, he's a little person freshly returned from hell. What's not to love?

Spider: I DIDN'T NEED THAT MENTAL IMAGE!


Eh?

Sam: OH MY GOD THEY HAVE A PLOTLINE CALLED BORN ON THE FIRST OF JULY

Claire: And yet NONE of these characters are lumberjacks.

Spider: And yet, they're okay!


Evil PM:

Sam: Claire, also in this issue of the comic, it appears the Prime Minister might be a superhero.

Claire: Oh well.

If our Prime Minister is a superhero that's probably why all the sweet-sweeet freedom was in Canada.

Come to Canada, we don't register mutants here because we're reasonable people who don't allow inventors of robot suits to become wildly, almost comically, important!

Sam: Apparently the PM is a supervillain, not a superhero.

Claire: LOL the PM is a supervillain, what is his power????

Sam: He has a machine that brainwashes you!

Claire: That's nicely super-villainish. I approve.


That Other Claire:

Sam: I don't know her name, Ms. Maple Leaf I guess? Anyway she just blew the heads off her child's godparents because they wouldn't relinquish custody of her baby. I think she's gone evil.

Claire: HER BABY IS NAMED CLAIRE!!!!!

"Master of the World begins his attack on Parliament Hill with Agent Jeff Brown and Claire Hudson present in his spaceship...The series was cancelled after eight issues."

CLAIRE WAS BORN ON THE FIRST OF JULY

OMFG she's reading a book upsidedown I bet she doesn't even have a mutant power. Fuck this baby!!!

Sam: Claire, your namesake is kind of a sociopath.

Claire: HA HA HA HA I'm awesome!!!!


RETURN OF THE PRODIGAL MUTANT SON:

Sam: Actually Alpha Flight was just framed for treason and are running to the US to find the one man...the one who can call on mutants and superheroes alike...the one who can save them....

Wolverine.

Also Puck is worried he can't get a decent poutine in the US.

Claire: HE DID NOT REFERENCE POUTINE

Sam: And they just drove past, I am not lying, "Sam's American Grill". YOU'RE IN THE U.S. NOW, PUNKS!

Spider: Has anyone said, "eh"? Or apologized or been extremely polite? HAVE THEY EATEN NANAIMO BARS?

Claire: Clearly only Wolverine can save them now!

Does Wolverine live in Professor X's house as per the movies, or does he roam America on a motorcycle, or does he live in the woods?

Sam: I'm not sure. I think I may have missed an issue but they're back in Canada now. As far as I can tell they didn't actually find Wolverine?

OH WOLVERINE JUST SHOWED UP

Claire: HA HA HA HA Wolverine and his passport <3

Sam: Wolverine just showed up IN THE WOODS and went straight for A MOTORCYCLE.


Oh, Canada.

Claire: Okay I have to ask, who is supposedly reading this comic book because clearly it was not successful with anybody in any country:

"The team was originally merely a part of the backstory of the X-Men’s Wolverine but, in 1983, Byrne launched an eponymous series featuring the group, which continued until 1994. Four short-lived revivals have been attempted since."

LOLOLOL "attempted revivals" - may I suggest QUITTING

Sam: They have a little asterisk with a translation into imperial every time someone uses a metric measurement.


Cool Characters:

Sam: Sasquatch is kind of cool looking when he's not all sasquatched out.

LOL so the rundown is:

Cool Characters: Claire Hudson, Sasquatch when he looks non-sasquatchy, Northstar, Northstar's boyfriend

Uncool Characters: EVERYONE ELSE

Claire: You only put Northstar in the cool category because he's gay - that's reverse prejudice! That's .. pro ...judice ..

Sam: No Northstar is legit awesome! He has manpain!

Non-sasquatchy Sasquatch, failing to get into Aurora's pants:

Claire: He's cute!!!! He doesn't look like an ape at all LOL

LOL that they are clearly in the woods


A DEBT UNPAID:

Claire: LOL this afternoon on tv was Spiderman and X-men cartoons. The X-men episode was Wolverine was tricked to go to Canada where he was captured by the intensely embarrassing Alpha Flight ... who tortured him with science at the Department of Canada Ministry for some reason.

Also Vindicator and Wolverine hated each other and kept screaming at each other about stuff. Then all the other Alpha Flight members rebelled to save Wolverine, in lame ways like turning into snowy owls and knocking over robots. Vindicator wore a maple leaf on his unitard and got beat up really bad by Wolverine.

And then Wolverine told Alpha Flight he hated them and escaped to America.

Before Amandr and Sam I didn't know what Alpha Flight was and I was happy

Before Amandr and Sam I didn't even notice comic books

You guys owe me something!!! I am not sure what but something.

And That Was Alpha Flight:

Mandr: I still hold that there are many Canadian superheroes that don't suck. Wolverine, for instance.

Claire: Oh right he's the exception that proves the rule. He basically is the only superhero we need.

Sam: Can't hear you, too busy hoping ALPHA FLIGHT gets another attempt at a reboot. We need more people in sparkly maple leaf costumes.

Claire: I need leverage over you to mock you. Chicago must have a stupid superhero of some sort.

Gypsy: Take your pick, Claire! http://technorati.com/entertainment/article/top-10-superheroes-of-chicago/

Sam: FUCK YEAH WE GOT COMMISSIONER GORDON

I rest my case.

Comments

[cleversimon.livejournal.com]

To be fair, our real Prime Minister actually is a supervillain.

[chandri.livejournal.com]

Who eats kittens.

[ivorysilk]

OH GOD that's SO TRUE.

[twirlynoodle.livejournal.com]

I was astonished this didn't come up in the actual conversation, to be honest.

WTF is going on up there? This is the second time I've left a country and then the politics go apeshit.

[bakaknight.livejournal.com]

And brainwashes people by singing Beatles songs.

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

You make an inarguable point.

[illian.livejournal.com]

9. Toy Boy.

Toy Boy.

Is he 'partnered' with Daddy Sugar?

I'm not even touching the "arsenal of hilarious gadgets and witty quips" part.

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

And yet NONE of these characters are lumberjacks.

IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE IT'S SO SAD AND TRUE

[twirlynoodle.livejournal.com]

HILARIOUS as always ... for once you have made me a teensy bit curious about the source material but I am pretty sure I'd be instantly disappointed at how it is not actually as funny as you guys talking about it, so I'll pass.

Silas Wright is my Canadian superhero! He has the powers of physics and snark and holding more liquor than anyone else!

[twirlynoodle.livejournal.com]

BTW, by startling coincidence, TONIGHT's episode of Ideas is about the Wendigo/Whitigo:

http://www.cbc.ca/ideas/episodes/2012/03/01/wihtigo-4/

Eerie.

[neotoma.livejournal.com]

Sasquatch is a trip and a half if you read his history -- Walter Langkowski was friendly with Dr. Banner and tried to emulate his gamma-radiation experiment, but instead of turning into a giant green monster, he got possessed by a cosmic horror that manifested in the shape of a sasquatch. Except he didn't know that until his teammate Snowbird had to kill him because he was possessed by said cosmic horror.

Afterwards, he spent some time possessing a Box robot (yet still dated Aurora. I dunno either...) and after *that* and some extensive whining on his part about how he'd like to be flesh and blood again, Snowbird gave him *her* body since she was done with it. Walter was ecstatic -- he had a body again, and he could use it to change from sasquatch to human and back -- small problem was that the body was decidely female. Walter decided to role with it, Aurora didn't (since she's *not* gay, much to Walter's sadness) and started calling himself Wanda and seemed to adjust surprisingly well. Eventually he was changed back into a man by editorial fiat ...

And that's just one character's history in Alpha Flight. They've all got histories that cracky -- I swear the writers put in the most ridiculous stuff (like the time the entire team was in a dreamworld/alternate universe and their leader was PM of Canada...) just because they thought no one was paying any attention...

[elucreh.livejournal.com]

Wait. Wait. Is that the Wanda who epically screwed one of the Avengers teams? Or a different Wanda?

(Still don't know which team or how, exactly, the screwing went, I just know in some fics they really hate what Wanda did to a past version of the team)

[ealgylden.livejournal.com]

Different Wanda. That one's Wanda Maximoff, the Scarlet Witch. Magneto's daughter. She's awesome, when she's not being character-assassinated into ending the world and stuff. Ah, comics...

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

As someone else said, different Wanda -- the Scarlet Witch Wanda is hated by many for causing M-Day, an event where something like 90% of all mutants everywhere lost their powers.

She rewrites reality. Makes her unpopular. :D Though I think she's dead now, so.

[ealgylden.livejournal.com]

Though I think she's dead now, so.

Not anymore. She had amnesia for a bit, but as of the end of "Young Avengers: Children's Crusade," she's fully back.

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

LOL OH SASQUATCH.

He was reimagined a bit for this run, I think; he's like Sensitive Scientist Guy in Football Player's Body.

[bluejeans07.livejournal.com]

And now I don't need to read Alpha Flight. Thanks Sam, Amandr, Claire, and occasionally Spider!

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

Nobody needs to read Alpha Flight. Even people who have never heard of it don't need to read it. :D

[ellid.livejournal.com]

"Snowbird: Also known as Narya, she is an Inuit demi-goddess from Yellowknife, who can transform into animals of the north."

HOW IS THAT USEFUL???? I mean animals of the north. Like, a ptarmigan????

Best. Animal. Ever.

[lots42.livejournal.com]

They sort of upgraded her by a neat trick with the Marvel Universe.

Since Marvel is full of all sorts of supernatural weirdness, Snowbird can 'now' turn into all sorts of snow-dwelling supernatural monsters.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

Aside from the fact that I am barely in this one (I resigned myself to Alpha Flight years ago), I am in retrospect, quite shocked that we didn't talk about shacks.

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

We did. I decided discretion was the better part of valor there. :D

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

JUST LIKE ME TO BRING IT UP HERE, THEN.

Okay, so uh. Okay. Yeah. That's that.

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

LOL I think shacks are okay to mention

Just...not in the way we did :D

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

Well, you know they're so...Canadian.

I think we might have said something about the Love Shack.

[sabra-n.livejournal.com]

According to the Marvel universe wiki, Deadpool is Canadian, so there's that. Also, if Benton Fraser wasn't a TV character I'd totally count him as a Canadian superhero.

[bakaknight.livejournal.com]

I think we may have to count him as a superhero for the crazy gymnastics (the uneven parallel bars bit with the twirling, seriously, what?) and the ability to know the exact second they cross into the Dominion of Canada so he's allowed to shoot people again.

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

OF COURSE HE IS CANADIAN. AHAHAHAHAA.

[alexiel-neesan.livejournal.com]

Oh, Alpha Flight, first american comic books I ever read... and clearly it was a long time ago because I don't get all your jokes.

(Purple Woman? Wasn't she the daughter of the Purple Man, and she tried to make Northstar her perfect boyfriend or something?)

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

I have no idea. No context or backstory was given for her, just that she was purple. :D

[rhyana.livejournal.com]

Oh, dear deity of your choice, I just got Puck's name twenty years after the fact. *facepalm*

To be fair, I wasn't a hockey fan until '93, and I usually stayed away from the Canadian superheroes unless they were called Wolverine or Deadpool.

[hermionesviolin.livejournal.com]

... Oh! I was just thinking Midsummer and was clearly not at all in the appropriately Canadian mindset, so I didn't really understand how "Puck" was such a bad name but, oh, wow, I get it now.

[lots42.livejournal.com]

Do the Great Lakes Avengers count? They got a flat guy, an immortal dude, the world's best doorman and Squirrel Girl.

[bakaknight.livejournal.com]

Everybody knows that Squirrel Girl is officially the world's BEST and MOST POWERFUL SUPERHERO. This is the girl who defeated Dr. Doom singlehandedly.

THIS IS THE ONE PERSON ABOUT WHICH DEADPOOL HAS NIGHTMARES.

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

Count as what, precisely? :D

[lots42.livejournal.com]

There's so much insanity to Alpha Flight you haven't even touched on. Like the time when they started beating up on each other ... at stake was feeding and clothing the world. So they started beating up on each other.

It's ten times insane as it sounds. It involves the X-Men too and some humans who turn into Uber-Mensch

[abraxas-life.livejournal.com]

*reading the chicago superheroes link*
...Now what is the difference between a metahuman and a mutant? Are they not different names for the same thing?

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

Metahumans are ordinary human beings who were given superpowers through non-natural mutation -- Cyclops and Jean Grey have had their powers in their genes from birth, whereas people like Captain America and Spiderman were given their abilities (increased speed/healing, ability to stick to walls, etc) through artificial means.

[madripoor-rose.livejournal.com]

Sam's explantion is only for the Marvel comics universe though. In DC comics, it does kind of mean the same thing, metahumans is the DC term for anyone with a 'super' power while being otherwise human. Superman is just a alien, The Flash would be a metahuman, Batman is a normal human with tech, etc.

[darthhellokitty.livejournal.com]

Fun fact about Wolverine: he has the same hairdo as Betty Boop.

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

Funner fact: I got my hair cut a few weeks ago and it's now just long enough (and just fine enough) that in the mornings when I wake up, I can pull it out into the Wolverine 'do.

Blond Wolverine is awesome.

[butterflykiki.livejournal.com]

A) This kills me, the entire thing.

B) I am mesmerized by the Ralph Fiennes smoking icon. Thank you, Sam.

C) DAMN STRAIGHT COMMISSIONER GORDON.
Ahem.

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

That's actually Fassbender smoking -- accept no substitutions! :D