(no subject)

[cblj_backup]

I know I've been quiet lately. Some of it is that I haven't been, you know, doing much; work is really busy and when I get home I'm really tired. My parents are still dealing with Mama Tickey's estate, which is turning out (as I suspected) to have a lot more fallout than anyone else thought it would. Also Bernard is having issues, shocker, and so Mum's preoccupied with that and I'm preoccupied with supporting her and Lucky, who is still grieving very profoundly.

Some of it too is that the depression I posted about back in, christ, October I think, is still lingering. Some weeks it's rougher than others. I'm okay; nothing I can't manage, but managing it takes time and energy. Depression often means that you're okay to do stuff but only the stuff you want to do; not the stuff you ought to do or the stuff an ordinary person would do. So you blow people off but you spend hours reading, or you can't run errands but you're perfectly fine to play a video game. It kind of makes me a little sociopathic, and emulating a normal human response to life is also wearying.

It's why what you're seeing on the journal right now is a lot of "rote" stuff -- Radio Free Monday, the weekly photo post, fanfic posts, the weekly recc post. I only had one this week so I didn't post it, but I will next week. I don't, also, recc everything that I read and stash away; recc'ing all the stuff that I like because it turns me on is a little too tour-of-the-id sometimes, and my id's not the prettiest or most socially acceptable place right now.

Anyway, habitual posts are easier, especially when like RFM they're a fairly serious duty.

I want to reiterate that I am okay, I'm not sitting alone in a dark room staring at the walls and my performance at work hasn't suffered. I am socializing and I get out at least once a week to R's gig. I'm eating and walking around and being human. I'm just very tired from doing all that.

Comments

[vivichick.livejournal.com]

As one who struggles with depression, I know it doesn't make much of a difference at the moment, but hopefully you'll think back on this some time in the future:
There are many people who wish all good things for you, Sam. You have created a little safe space for a community of people who deal with a myriad of issues. We all love different things, different fandoms, different people and it somehow feels "homey" to all.
Thanks for that :) I can attest to that helping a lot over the years.
Feel better, Sam.

[scififangeek.livejournal.com]

Depression often means that you're okay to do stuff but only the stuff you want to do; not the stuff you ought to do or the stuff an ordinary person would do. So you blow people off but you spend hours reading, or you can't run errands but you're perfectly fine to play a video game. It kind of makes me a little sociopathic, and emulating a normal human response to life is also wearying.

I want you to know it helps a lot to know I'm not the only one in the world who does this. People who don't know what it's like don't understand, thus making a person feel even more abnormal for it. Thank you for your authenticity and honesty, always.

[honoria.livejournal.com]

Seconding this--Sam, you've described my past few months perfectly.

[justice-turtle.livejournal.com]

Thirding this. (I don't have a lot more words because I'm pretty deep in that level right now. :P)

[lavenderspark.livejournal.com]

Fourthed. Having someone else put it into words makes me feel less crazy. I have my bad days and right now they're even worse as I've stopped taking Depo. My poor husband has no idea what's wrong with me or how to help and I have no idea what to tell him. But knowing that it's "normal" makes me feel a little better.

[brownkitty.livejournal.com]

This might explain why I've been blowing off some of my homework this semester, but only some of it.

[minkrose]

I've always had that experience with homework; academic work tends to make me profoundly depressed unless I can see real-life applications for it. I'm sure to my professors it seemed a bit random which assignments I was "willing" to complete. Anyway, I managed to get both my BA and MSLIS in spite of all that. It was a real struggle and I didn't do it alone, but it did, finally, get done. Best of luck to you!

[tuppenneyrice.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I'm sixthing (I think?) this. I hope you can just focus on looking out for yourself, even if that means being very alone-time-ish and not posting much. At the end of the day we all know that your life should come first!

[luciab.livejournal.com]

Oh, you are SOOOO not alone in this. In addition to my having my usual chronic depression, my mother just died, I've had a shitload of computer troubles, and one of my critters just had to be put down because of cancer. Oh, and I'm fighting a SS Disability denial, too. Sometimes life is just too much fun for one person to handle.

[luciab.livejournal.com]

But just to be clear, I'm a Regular Reader and hope you feel better soon. I hope we ALL feel better soon!

[tree00faery.livejournal.com]

*chiming in with the "everyone's been there, or IS there currently" thing*, which is to say, you have my sympathy. Empathy? Something like that.

Also, I for one wouldn't mind if you posted all the fanfic you like/turns you on. God knows I never feel socially acceptable in that regard, and I almost always enjoy the things you recommend.

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

It's not so much that I don't want to impose the porn I read on you guys, more that once in a while I get a bit self-conscious about it. More my issues than not wanting to splash porn all over everyone's friendspage. :)

[tree00faery.livejournal.com]

*nods* That makes sense. I'm sure I would be self-conscious about it too if I had as wide a readership as you. Though I don't think we're a particularly judge-ey readership, for what it's worth, though I understand that doesn't have much to do with the issues-on-your-end thing.

[tetsubinatu.livejournal.com]

Thanks for this post. It affirms how I feel at the moment. I was made redundant last week and I'm coping but... yeah. This is how I feel at the moment.

[beadattitude.livejournal.com]

::smooches your head:: oh, Sam. I am where you am.

[metallumai.livejournal.com]

Not depressed here, but very much into just doing what I want. ;)

I will be glad to send you presents, hold your hand, be an idiot and dance around, to help --- I won't say 'cheer you up' because that sounds fatuous, but whatever helps, I'll do that. Hang in there, medear, love you....

Family hurting and/or misbehaving is a cruel drag. You are a lot nicer to your family than I am to mine, when they get to squabbling over possessions or going all religious and stupid. Just for a while, you could just pretend you're an orphan.... and when you're fortified, then you can start answering the phone again! :D

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

Aw, thank you :) Nothing really to be done but wait for the brain chemistry to even out again, but I appreciate it.

Alas, Mum's got me trained now; when family texts, I must respond....

[iamshadow.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Didn't mean to bother you with emails last week, I didn't know. I've been up and down, myself.

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

Don't worry about it; I didn't say anything, no way you could know. :)

[thecolourclear.livejournal.com]

So I don't share any fandoms (anymore) with you, except I think Doctor Who, and we both have the same derision of it, but the Avengers and Sherlock and White Collar aren't my fandoms at all, but I keep reading your blog because of posts like this.

Depression often means that you're okay to do stuff but only the stuff you want to do; not the stuff you ought to do or the stuff an ordinary person would do. So you blow people off but you spend hours reading, or you can't run errands but you're perfectly fine to play a video game. It kind of makes me a little sociopathic, and emulating a normal human response to life is also wearying. Everything, this. I know EXACTLY what this feels like, and it's what I've struggled with most of my life. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one trapped by my own neurosis.

[missjaneregrets.livejournal.com]

I just left my job because it was making me miserable and aggravating my depression. I went out to dinner and a movie with a friend, which was fun but exhausting.
And when I said I was tired and needed to go home, she started talking about vitamins and suggested I look at my time not working as a sabbatical.

No, I'm tired cause l'm depressed and I'm taking time off because I'm sick and need to take care of myself, not a sabbatical.

What I mean to say is, I am there, I'm doing that and you keep doing what you're up to, Sam.

This can also serve as my semi annual reminder to you and the cafe that light therapy for depression and or seasonal affective disorder can br very helpful.

[(Anonymous)]

Just wanted to say thank you for this post.

I believe in you, Sam.

[itcamefromjapan.livejournal.com]

Depression often means that you're okay to do stuff but only the stuff you want to do; not the stuff you ought to do or the stuff an ordinary person would do.

Thank you so much for this reminder. It's a thing I've experienced too often in my life, and it's hard for me not to feel lazy and guilty when it happens - even if, intellectually, I know that taking care of myself and doing what I can manage are some of the most important things I can do.

You are fantastic. I hope things get easier for you soon.

[keksmitmilch.livejournal.com]

I'm not sitting alone in a dark room staring at the walls and my performance at work hasn't suffered. I am socializing and I get out at least once a week to R's gig. I'm eating and walking around and being human. I'm just very tired from doing all that.

This is exactly how my life goes, so much alike! You've worded it perfectly. :<
I hope you feel better soon.

[mysid.livejournal.com]

Keep taking care of yourself, Sam. We all love you.

[zooropababy.livejournal.com]

I so know the feeling - you're describing my life right now to a T. Throw in moving to a new city, starting a new job, and long hours at work, and I'm surprised I'm still standing sometimes.

Hope things even out for you soon - I may not comment often, but love your posts and the Cafe.

[veritas6-5.livejournal.com]

And that's why we're in this together. You can articulate that awful malaise. We all have symptoms of this feeling (or not feeling) these days, and we just soldier through even though we just want to go to bed and pull the covers over our heads. (That actually does get boring after a while.) So we get dressed, go out, try to keep going at work, and eventually the miasma lifts, just a little, and things get better, for a while. And if the Mayans are right, it won't matter anyway, in just a few days!

[la-rainette.livejournal.com]

I am sorry for the many emails (ACK!) and I am with Judy on this: anything I can do at all, please let me know. Thinking of you and sending hugs.

[etharei.livejournal.com]

My depression seems to be very similar to yours. I usually try to limit my interactions with the general public when it flares up. Yeah, the part where you have to pretend to have normal social behaviors is the tiring bit. (Especially as I have a friend who is lovely and means well but wants to be around people when she's upset and thus doesn't quite understand that I neither wish to discuss my feelings nor need her to constantly hover over me in a show of support, oh my God please go away.) I'm actually quite comfortable with my depression; after all these years, I just wait the worst of it out. Fuck the rest of humanity, though :P

[(Anonymous)]

Love you, Sam. I just want to snuggle you. :( Your blog has helped me more than you know for many years now. I just got past where you are right now, and like others have said, it helps to know that we aren't alone. You described how I felt more accurately than I thought possible. Take care of yourself. x

[canaana.livejournal.com]

Been there, dude. I hope the load lightens soon. *hugs*

[caffeine-pills.livejournal.com]

Depression often means that you're okay to do stuff but only the stuff you want to do; not the stuff you ought to do or the stuff an ordinary person would do. So you blow people off but you spend hours reading, or you can't run errands but you're perfectly fine to play a video game. It kind of makes me a little sociopathic, and emulating a normal human response to life is also wearying.

Do you mind if I quote you on my Tumblr? I'd credit it to Sam Starbuck and link to the journal only if you wanted me to. If you'd prefer I not, I totally understand. I've done some blogging about making my way through depression myself and I thought this quote was a really helpful description.

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

I swore I replied to this but apparently not -- please feel free :)