(no subject)

I am CLEANING MAH EMAILS.

I think I keep the same email address when I move to the new job, which is funny because due to an incredibly complicated set of circumstances my work email address is not actually my legal name. ANYWAY, I'm cleaning it out and realised I should probably just save these quotes for posterity and ditch the emails to which they belong.

Names have been changed to protect my ass. Some of these are probably only funny if you know the people involved.

( Ballin. )

(no subject)

Apparently BossBoss charms the cafe even after his departure. Enough of you thought that "For your safety, giraffes may not be registered as guests" was a good office sign to convince me to make a few...

( Don't stick your neck out for me! )

(no subject)

You guys, I'm going to a Cubs game tonight. I have a ticket and a blue shirt and everything.

What the everloving hell was I thinking when I bought the ticket? I hate Cubs fans. I quite like the Cubs but their fans are terrible people who make the El too crowded and have TWICE puked on me on the way to the game. Now I'm going to go sit with like ten thousand of them while they drink more.

Shit I need to find a hat so I can take it off when we sing the National Anthem.

Everybody be good while I'm gone, and I might bring you back a giant foam finger.

(no subject)

(no subject)

I am home! I declare "Cubs vs. Commies" (Chicago versus the Cincinnati Reds) a success. Oh man how I despise Cubs fans.

I actually had a great time at the game. Wrigley is a much more intimate experience than the Oakland Coliseum, which is where I've seen most of the pro games I've attended. I thought I would be up much higher and much further back. I haven't been to a game in something like ten or fifteen years, but I slid right back into the whole cheer and boo and OHHHHH thing you do. I had a dubious hot dog from an aisle vendor and a drastically overpriced beer.

I don't know if it's that I have a shorter attention span for single-task existence or if baseball actually moves slower than when I was a kid, but it seemed to be a really slow game. Could also be that when I was going to A's games they were a multiple-championship team.

But I was seated behind this person, this most odious of fans, the kind who yells indiscriminate encouragement at the wrong time and shrill-whistles so loudly and often that I believe my left eardrum at the moment has a tic. She didn't have a sign, but she had bought a Cubs branded duffel bag and kept waving it, blocking with pinpoint accuracy my view of the pitcher. Eventually I moved sideways a few seats, and the next time she got up to get another beer she moved as well. I have never wanted to "accidentally" dump a beer on someone so badly in my life.

When I was an Athletics fan it was all about offense, my team being up, cheering on the batter. I found this time around I was much more interested in the fielding -- but then again defense, when you're not twelve and obsessively focused on your team winning, offers more to be interested in.

The game isn't over yet; I left after the ninth inning because I have work tomorrow and I'm not that fascinated by who out of two relatively suck teams is going to win in the eleventh goddamn inning. (Could be worse. I could be an Astros fan.)

Ohhh I am going to sleep all the sleep now.